Kung Fu Fanfic
by TheHappyFan
Summary: A long time ago in ancient China, there were warriors of the Jade Palace. They were the most respected warriors of all time. Until 2000 years later, that is. Read as I show you the horrors of terrible fanfiction authors who have shattered the dignity of these great masters through their twisted minds. Enjoy! Just remember: you were warned.
1. Kung Fu High School

**Hey everybody! I know I have a bunch of projects to finish, but I hope you enjoy this! :D This is a collection of parodies on bad fanfiction trends I have seen.  
**

Kung Fu High School

In the Valley of Peace, there was a high school called Oogway High. Tigress was a beautiful, popular Mary-Sue: she was the most gorgeous girl at school who was absolutely perfect at singing, dancing, cheerleading, cooking, swimming, volleyball, soccer, tennis, basketball, softball, and school subjects. Even though her dad, Master Shifu, wants her to be a Kung Fu master, she has no clue what Kung Fu is.

Really? Why are you ruining the character of Tigress?

However, she was horribly nasty to people when they tried to talk to her. She was dating the snow leopard Tai Lung: Tai Lung was football captain and had all the girls of the school swooning for him even though he was a huge jerk. He had no talent at anything except for football and he mistreated Tigress by screaming at her and humiliating her on a daily basis; however, Tigress kept dating him.

Because everyone knows that when your boyfriend is a jerk, you just keep dating him. Oh, wait...

Po was considered the dork of the school. His only talent was cooking. Everybody called him a loser for not acting tough. He always dreamed of being with Tigress, even though she was always nasty to him.

Come on. Even in high school, Po could do better than some Mary-Sue.

One day, Tai Lung was starting to threaten Tigress in the parking lot of the school.

Because everyone knows that people drove cars in ancient China.

Po saw this and decided to help her out.

Because he just happened to be hanging out near Tigress. And it's not because he was stalking her...

He walked up to Tai Lung and said "You big bully, leave Tigress alone or I'll report you to the principle!"

Then Tai Lung said "Fine, I'll leave her alone."

Okay, dude, you can't fight yet you walk up to the school bully and threaten to report him? Yeah, it'll do so much good when you get pummeled in the face.

Then Tigress gets all squeamish and says "Po you saved my life, please go on a date with me."

Po said "Sure," and then smiled.

Really? Don't you at least have some explanation for why Tigress likes him? ...

Then, we somehow, without any explanation whatsoever, we go to prom time where Po and Tigress just happen to be crowned prom king and queen.

Wow, didn't see that one coming...

Then, Tai Lung and his goons pull some unexpected, unexplained prank on the couple. Then, Po and Tigress come up with some witty, untold comment and have the whole school cheering for them.

Wow, so original...

Then, Po and Tigress go to her house. The author then proceeds to shatter your innocence with a terrible sex scene. Then, Po wakes up the next morning to find that Tigress is gone! Po then lives his life as a chef in the Valley. Two years later, Tigress returns as the mother of seven weird, hybrid babies. Yep, that's right. Po got Tigress pregnant in prom night. Tigress then says "Po, I'm moving to Florida , so look after these kids." And Po just looks after the kids, no questions asked.

Never mind the fact that they shouldn't know about Florida. More importantly, Po seems to forget to ask basic questions about why she left, etc.

And Po looked after the kids until they grew up.

The End

**Okay, guys. What did you think? I hate AU for the most part. The only good AU I've seen is the _A Legend Is Born_ series by **Pandafan91**. Anyways, reviews are always appreciated! Thanks! :D**


	2. Bad Romance

**Okay guys, I'm going to warn you, this one is pretty severe. If you are squeamish, I recommend skipping this chapter.  
**

Bad Romance

Po and Tigress are somehow in a weird relationship that comes out of the blue. That in itself is not the largest problem. It's the fact that the readers can already tell that this is going to be a terrible story because it is so poorly written.

One day, Tigress and Po randomly start fighting in the barracks.

"PO! Get your fat ass off the bed and clean the kitchen!"

"Shut up bitch! You don't own me!"

This is terribly OOC, and it sounds like a pretty abusive relationship, right?

The the author makes Tigress scream, "WHAT did you just call me, fat ass?"

"I called you a bitch!" Then Po punches Tigress in the face.

Then Tigress goes all weepy-willy on the audience. "I... just... can't... believe... you... hit... me..."

"I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to, my anger got out of control..."

"I forgive you!" Then the two proceeded to snuggle and cuddle so that the reader is ready to puke and confused as hell.

Wow... Really, just... really?

Come a few nights later, Po and Tigress were in a secluded cave. The two had managed to tick each other off again.

"Tigress! Stop being a pretentious, stuck-up bitch!"

"Me?! Stop being an ass!"

"I'm the Dragon Warrior! I can do whatever I want!"

"Not anything!"

"Wanna bet?"

"You can't have me anymore!"

"I don't need your permission, _honey_."

Then the author goes into explicit, terrible detail of Po raping Tigress...

Well... I think Tigress is strong enough to fight back, right? Besides, she wouldn't put up with the abuse in the first place. This is just terrible. But no, it's about to get worse.

Po has now raped Tigress. One would think that she would kill him, right? Nope, reasonable people are wrong again.

"Po, you shouldn't have raped me, but I forgive you."

Really?! Really?! Must I elaborate?!

Then the author brings us to a week later. Tigress is showing _mysterious_ symptoms. She is throwing up and is constantly hungry. Hmm... I wonder what it could be... Just kidding. We all know what's coming next.

"Tigress you bitch! Stop eating all the food!"

"Po, I'm hungry because I'm pregnant!"

"What?! You bitch! How are you pregnant?!"

"I got pregnant when you raped me!"

"I'm the Dragon Warrior! I'm allowed to rape you! You'll pay for being pregnant!" Then the author goes into gory detail about how Po attempts to murder Tigress with a pocket knife. Yes, a pocket knife. Then, the readers search for their own pocket knives and virtually throw them at this terrible author. However, their aim is off and more torture must be endured. Then, without explanation, Po somehow gets all "I feel bad for hurting you Ti."

Then Tigress is like "It's okay, I love you." Then, Po and Tigress run away from the Jade Palace and the terrible author fails to tell what happens to them at the end. Just kidding. The author makes them all die. How much explanation was there about why they died? You guessed it- none. Finally, the readers get out their virtual bombs and bomb this terrible author. And the author never wrote a fanfic again.

The End

**Okay, first off, I am sorry if I made anyone throw up. Don't worry, my chapters won't be this severe. Anyways, stay on the lookout for my next chapter of this! It will be much milder, I promise you! Please review! :D  
**


	3. The All Powerful OC

**Hey everybody! I'm back with another parody! As I promised at the end of the last parody, this chapter is MUCH milder. Enjoy! :D**

The All Powerful Random OC

In ancient China, there was a villain with superpowers. Even the great Dragon Warrior could not last five seconds in a fight against him.

And the author just magically knew that despite the fact that they had never fought.

There was only one warrior in the entire universe who could defeat this unknown villain. His name was Ostrich Connor, but everyone called him Connor.

Because everyone knows that Connor was a popular name in ancient China.

He had magical powers.

Because if the random OC didn't have magic powers, the author couldn't rename the story to be _Kung Fu OC_.

Many years ago, Connor and Tigress were dating. However, they somehow broke up in the manner this author does not explain.

Um... Tigress doesn't seem like the type for dating a random OC, right? Especially when the author sets it up so they were dating at 6 years old.

Then the author reveals that Tigress fell madly in love with Po for a few years, only to change her mind all of a sudden to be in love with Connor.

Because everybody knows how boy-crazy Tigress is.

Then, without any explanation, Po somehow finds out about how Tigress loved Connor, then him, and how she now loves Connor again.

Because everybody knows that Po can read minds.

Then Po forces Tigress to kiss him and gets Connor to break up with Tigress.

Wait, why did Po become a jackass all of a sudden? When did Tigress get back together with Connor? And when did Connor even get to the Jade Palace? Oh yeah, the author forgot to explain it.

Then Connor, the only one who can stop the rising villain that is going to attack the Valley soon, gets mad and leaves the Jade Palace.

Wait, when did the villain begin to rise? And what do we even know about this villain? Oh, right. Like everything else in this crappy story, this author is just mentioning it now.

Then Po gets banned from the Jade Palace for life because of his idiocy.

Because everyone knows that when a random villain is about to attack your village, you send all your warriors away.

Po decides to run away where he just happens to find a couple who seem awfully familiar. He takes a DNA test, and the two are his birth parents!

Wow, surprised? I am. I didn't know they had DNA testing in ancient China.

His parents then tell him about a prophecy that makes no sense.

Then, Ostrich Connor just happens to show up where Po is.

Because the world is that fricking clichéd.

Po and Connor are about to fight to the death, but they somehow make up and decide to be buddies.

Really? If it was that easy, I'd be a millionaire by now! And rainbows and sparkles would rule the world

Then, the random villain somehow reaches Po and his parents at the same time the Furious Five do! After one terribly described fight scene, Po is beaten and is about to be killed! Oh no!

There are a ton of issues, but I'm going to ask one question: why are the Five just on the sidelines?

Then, as the random villain is about to kill Po, Connor uses a blast of magic to defeat the villain! Never mind the fact that he could have defeated the villain much sooner!

Then, everybody just magically celebrates the fact that the villain is dead! Shifu sees that Po has proven himself and lets Po back into the Jade Palace. And Connor and Tigress get married and have babies. Oh wait, could Connor be a tiger? Yeah, the author just mentioned that now, despite Connor's first name. And Po married some other random OC that nobody cares about. Never mind that Po's supposed to be the protagonist. And the readers get their own magic powers and zap this terrible author. Because apparently it's just that freaking easy.

The End

**So, yeah. That basically seems like a lot of stories with a random OC. BTW, I didn't follow the exact plot of that story in order to show a broader message, but I modeled it a lot after a particular story in this archive. I'd love to see you guys guess in the review section! Whoever guesses correctly first gets a shout out in my next chapter! :D**


	4. The Author Games

**Hey guys! I'm back with another parody! This one is more about mocking some of the authors and reviewers. Enjoy!**

The Author Games

A long time ago, in ancient China, there was a fanfiction. It was actually a crappy fanfiction, but the author never deserved her coming fate. The author of this fanfiction was Nicki Hart, who had signed of for fanfiction dot net several months ago with the pen name of RedHound. This author had already published some fanfictions. To the best of anyone's recollection, the plot of the story was this: A modern day soldier gets transported to the world of KFP. Tigress falls in love with him, only to realize he is a jerk. Well, here is what how the author decided to summarize it: A modern day soldier enters the world of KFP to stop the rising villain. Will he succeed? TiPo.

Well, there are TiPo hints dropped, and it looks like TiPo might actually happen. However, there is another "author" by the name of Baker68 who is pissed about the misleading description. A few weeks later, Baker68 spams a chapter with a nasty message. Here it is:

**Baker68:**

You fucking piece of pig shit! You should go murder yourself! I can write better than this disgrace to pigs, shit, fanfiction, and humanity! Fuck off!

...

Well, Baker68. You don't have any stories on your profile. So even if you hate a story, you really shouldn't be trashing other people and saying you're better without any proof to back it up.

Then, RedHound says the two had a PM conversation and he/she thought the issue had been resolved. We the readers can only imagine the conversation went something like this:

**Baker68:**

You bitch! Take the story down or I'll report it for being full of shit!

**RedHound:**

I followed all of the rules on the site.

**Baker68:**

YOU LIED IN THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION!

**RedHound:**

I did not. In the next chapter, Tigress will realize she made a mistake by loving Random OC. Then, she will turn to Po for comfort. See what I mean?

**Baker68:**

Oh, I see now. But hurry the fuck up!

**RedHound:**

The next chapter is in the works right now.

...

So, yeah. Not pretty, but it's getting better. Or so RedHound thinks. Then again, you know what they say about assuming things.

...

Come the next chapter, RedHound has almost made TiPo happen. However, Baker68 is not satisfied. He starts spamming each chapter with more disgusting comments.

**Baker68:**

You mother fucker! Change the description now or I'm gonna murder you in your sleep!

**Baker68:**

Dammit bitch! Get the fuck off this site and go throw yourself down a well! FUCK!

...

Wow... Really gives you the warm and fuzzies, doesn't it?

Well, wouldn't you think fans would come to the defense of RedHound?

Yes, you are right. But some of them stoop just as low as Baker68.

They write some really nasty comments. Let's attempt to read them, shall we?

**Baker68 (anon):**

i hve a shity lif and am rilly stoopid becuz i played hookee instead of goin to school plz forgve me for beeing a jackass and takin it out on this amazin storee

**Baker68 (anon):**

my mother and father both raped me when i was a kid now i am a bitter asshole who has nothing better to do than make life miserable for people who are as talented as you RedHound

...

Wow...

The best way to support RedHound is to say "We support you" and to report Baker68's reviews as abuse. Even if you support the author, it's wrong to stoop to that level. Right, people?

Then, Baker68 decides to fire back.

**Baker68:**

I am more fucking talented than all of you fucking trolls! Fuck off! Fucking RedHound is impersonating me trying to make me look bad! FUCK ALL YOU BITCH IDIOTS WHO DON'T SUPPORT ME!

...

Well...

Why would you think RedHound is trying to impersonate you? BTW, if anyone felt sorry for you, you have now lost their sympathy. And again with the "talented" crap. If you think you're talented, Prove. It. To. Us.

We now are in a terrible author war. In fact, the war is so terrible that RedHound asks his friend and fellow author aka dragonwarriorfan2000 to post an author's note on his story. dragonwarriorfan2000 complies and tries to help his friend. Then, Baker68 demands the author's note be removed within three days. At this point, a group of three authors come up with a plan to stop the author war. They hack into the canon world of KFP. Then, they find a bunch of controls and set them so that it is impossible for the crappy fanfiction to take place in the canon world. Finally, they go back into their world and wait for the crappy fanfiction to come down. Eventually, a burst of Chi destroys the crappy fanfiction, along with the disgusting reviews that tormented the website. It also blows everybody up who made a hateful comment in this author war. Then, it blows up the houses of the losers who attacked others in such a vile manner. Finally, the author war is over.

**Yes, yes, yes, I know, this wasn't a parody of a story. Still, I felt the need to parody the author war because it was just so nasty- I swear, it was worse than a Twitter war... PM me if you want to know more. You people who took place in this atrocity know who you are. And do not start a war in my review section. However, still feel free to review! :D**


	5. Rotten Lemons

**Hey guys! I am back with yet another parody! :) However, this is probably going to be my last one for a little while. I was able to get these out quickly because of spring break, so... But this is not the end of my parody series, so do not fear! Enjoy the read and remember to review! :D**

Rotten Lemons

There once was a script writer by the name of Mr. Spears. He was only famous because he was related other famous script writers : he had no actual talent of his own. He wrote porn fanfiction for his favorite movies. One day, he took all his porn stories for KFP and decided to mash them into one big story.

...

Well, it didn't go so well.

...

Roger Spears though his stuff was really hot. In fact, he though it was so hot that he decided to post it in the KFP thread. Let's attempt to read through the beginning part of the story.

_One day Tigress randomly walked into Po's room because she had nothing better to do and didn't want to train. _

_"I fucking love you out of the blue Po! I hated you yesterday but now I want to get pregnant with your baby!"_

_"Of course, baby. What do you want me to do to start?"_

_"I want you to..."_

I, as an author, am obligated to cut the fanfiction off. Otherwise, I would have to raise the rating. Besides, you do not want to see this atrocious writing.

Now, Mr. Spears decided to post a link to his artwork for this story. Wait, aren't links against the rules in stories? Oh wait, Mr. Spears is a spoiled brat who doesn't follow the rules.

So, some of the viewers checked out this "artwork" before reading the actual story. Do you wanna see it?

What, do you want a time reversal spell now? I tried to warn you...

Let's see what the readers have to say about it, shall we?

**nickfan136:**

What the FUCK man?! Why did you have all that... that... I need brain bleach...

**tigressfan136:**

Dude! Why the fuck did almost all the major KFP characters have a sick group orgy?! I love a good lemon, but that just sucked...

**randomdude6666:**

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO PO AND TIGRESS AND THEN HAVE ALMOST EVERY OTHER CANON KFP CHARACTER WALK IN AND JOIN DUDE YOU ARE SICK BEYOND BELIEF!

**furiousfivedude1492**

WTF?! I saw the "artwork" you made with this story... If you can call that atrocity "artwork..." You've fucking ruined KFP for me!

warriorsky213:

That was the most thoughtless, disgusting shit I have ever seen

...

So, yeah. Just about everybody hates it.

However, Mr. Spears doesn't check the content of his review page. "30 reviews," he says. "This is the best fanfiction ever!"

A week later, Mr. Spears has hacked into the canon world of KFP, set up a filming studio there, and hired multiple look-alike actors to play the roles of all the characters. Lord Shen is directing the movie.

Um, didn't Shen die?

"CUT, DAMMIT!" Shen screams. "This film sucks! I want my time back from you crappy actors!"

"Hey, it's not our fault the script for this porn 'film' sucked! Rewrite the script if you want your time back!" screams the actress playing Song.

"Oh that's it!" rants Shen. "You're only getting paid half the amount you would have been paid! Now do a good job if you want to keep that half! I'm fucking sick of-"

"What the heck is going on here?!" demand the Furious Five and the Dragon Warrior as they bust through the wall of the studio.

Because they just happen to know about it.

"Who are all these naked freaks and why do they look like us?!" cries Monkey as his eyes bulge out of his head.

"This is so disgusting!" cries Po as he covers his eyes and looks away.

At this stage, all of the masters are puking their guts out/crying/screaming/searching for brain bleach.

"My stuff is HOT!" rants Mr. Spears. "Why the fuck don't you people appreciate it?!"

"It's disgusting and brainless!" yell all the masters and "actors."

"DAMMIT!" screams Shen. "I am fucking sick of this! I'm through!" Then, Shen proceeds to set his remote control so that Mr. Spears was never born. Everybody who had any sort of interaction with Mr. Spears or his "work" forgets about it. The crappy fanfiction is sucked into the vortex of time never to be seen again. And for once, Shen does something good in his life because he gave brain bleach to Mr. Spears' victims. And everybody including Shen forgets about the whole incident. Because apparently big changes don't need an explanation if it has anything to do with fanfiction.

The End

**Yes, yes, yes, I know my parody was harsh. Still, that's how I feel like a lot of lemons are: thoughtless, meaningless, OOC, and disturbing. *Shudders and searches for time reversal spell* Anyways, please tell me what you thought of this parody in the review section! Also, are there any other fanfiction trends you want me to parody? Please let me know! Thanks! :D**


	6. Chapter 6

Revenge of the Tiger

After being shot with a cannon in the factory scene, Po died.

Wait, what? I thought that Po was practically invincible, you know, being the Dragon Warrior and all.

Nope. The author needs an excuse to completely change Po.

WHAT?!

Just read.

Po magically drifts to the panda village, and a magical pendant just so happens to be nearby! Yay!

What does it do? Oh, it just takes dead people and brings them back to life in a different animal form.

Yep, it does that to Po. And he just so happens to come back as...

...

...

A tiger!

Wow... That's not giving any future romance away at all...

Well, a white tiger, actually. Gotta have the warrior of black and white.

Oh no! While Po was dead, Shen just so happened to take over China!

Po runs back to the Valley of Peace, where Shen and the Five just so happen to be.

Convenient.

Po swiftly defeats Shen in a poorly described battle scene. Then, he tells the Five that it's him. They don't believe him at first. Finally, they see how he eats and realize that it _must _be him.

Save me already...

End of story, right?

Nope. Turns out there's some bullshit battle with the gods, and they just have to get involved. Turns out Tigress's mystery mother...

Is a goddess.

Well, fuck.

If that's the case, shouldn't Tigress have some sort of super power?

Yep...

...

... Its beauty!

Really?

Yep. Damn. Nothing useful in battle.

Wait... How was this even found out?

I have no fricking clue, and neither does the author.

Well... Time for battle.

What?! This story sucks!

Wait... Isn't the focus supposed to be on Po? Shouldn't there be some adjustment to his fighting style if you're gonna change him?

There is in a little bit.

In battle, Tigress has to battle some god who apparently finds her hot. Tigress gets captured, and is going to have to marry him! Oh no!

Then, Po magically finds her, and uses some ass pull to defeat this god that apparently, he could only use as a tiger! Yay!

They stop the evil gods and restore godlihood... Is that even a real word?

Then, because the author has apparently intended this from the beginning, Po and Tigress make out, date, get married, and have a litter of kids that eventually restart the war and destroy the peace.

What? Oh yeah, the author's gonna make a sequel...

Watch out for it, 'cause it'll hit you in the face!

Damn it... I feel like this story took a pound of crack... I mean, it went from Po turning into a tiger to battles of the gods... I've lost my energy.

The Fucking End... Finally

**Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while... Schools been really busy and stressful... But I finally got a chance to post! I know this parody isn't as good as some of my others, but I'll admit, I was so frustrated with my lack of time to post that when I got the opportunity, I was just desperate to get something out. And yes, I know that I have other stories to update, but I think I need time to work on those to get a decent quality. Still, I hope you enjoyed this one! Thanks, and please remember to..**

**REVIEW!**


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